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Jergins
"The fat uncle of the Hero of Time. He loves to create 'loshun' and cak. His worst enemy is the Jergens Company." ''-In-game bio'' "Oh, that's it! I'm such a mad boy! Now you're gonna see the beauty of Dicksicles on Ice! ''-Jergins'' Jergins (nicknamed Jackins by his critics) is weird. He owns the Jergins Company, which produces necessities such as 'loshun' made of illegal chemicals, 'cak' that are actually sea sponges filled with loshun, and other weird things. Somehow, Jergins is one of the most richest people in the world, since people keep buying his products for no real reason. This includes his best-selling autobiography, Jergin' It. He is the uncle of Link, the brother of Link's Dad, and the nephew of Uncle Kingy. Biography Before the YouTube Poop World Note: This segment borrows some of the text from Jergins' autobiography, since it is the only record of his life. All spelling errors are left as-is. You probody think I was born rich... but was like any other kid with my Uncle Kingy. I guess it was my Uncle who whipped me into shape! Look at me now! He might have lost his temper sometimes, but his closet games gave the courage I needed to become smart! My loshun that I made for Kingy when he had his alone time, spawned me to make the Jergins Loshun! This became a very poluler bran'na loshun. We became filthy stinking rich! At first, we didn't know what to do, so we just lathered ourselves in loshun! I'm such a happy boy! On my 57th birthday, I realized I liked cak, so I built the Jergins Cak Factory! With Dr. Willie's help, I built my own special bank! The YouTube Poop World Jergins is mainly be seen in his factory, watching over his child laborers. If he is talked to, he sells the party three things; Jergins' Loshun, Super Loshun, and some Lotion Cake. Jergins doesn't enter the main story until Act 4, where he, brainwashed, fights Link in Fortress Kaznan. After getting beat up (and tearing up his underwear in the process - yes, really), he joins Link's party for a while. After they defeat Gaston, he leaves the party, and isn't seen again until Act 6. When Link and party are defeated by Eric Osborne, the Mega Flier fires a missile at him. Jergins comes out of the cockpit, and asks why Link was in the Urethane. He is later sent back to Hyrule by SuperYoshi. Jergins is seen in the final battle, rubbing loshun on himself, when he fears that Link might be hurt. He prays for Link's safety. After the game, Jergins faces a crippling dilemma; his loshun machine is broken! He tells Link to get Doctor Willie, who diagnoses the machine as needing manual labor instead of automatic labor. Once Willie leaves, Link is forced to don a schoolgirl's outfit and give samples of Jergins' loshun to people around Vaktovian City. Once Link does this, Jergins becomes very happy, and gives his nephew a discount on his loshun. In Battle Stats Jergins has decent to high points in every stat except for Agility, which he is very lackluster at. This is to be expected from a man whose nickname is "Lard Ass". He is able to use healing items (such as potions and the like) with better efficiency, which basically means more health gets restored from a single item. Skills Jergins' skills involve either assaulting the enemy or healing his allies. *Level 3: Heal Alpha *Level 16: Lather in Lotion *Level 22: Heal Beta *Level 33: Sexual Harassment *Level 44: Sexy Pose *Level 55: Heal Omega *Level 60: Narcissistic Rage Battle Quotes Jergins has unique battle quotes he will say at the end of a battle. *I'm such a happy boy! (victory) *Yay, I'm Jergins! (victory) *Hey, Kingy! I just leveled up! (level-up) *Done to perfention! (level-up) *Oh, is it things I can put in my loshun? (items) *This calls for a cak celebrashun! (items) Trivia *Jergins and his company are a very blatant parody of the Jergens Company,which does produce lotion of various forms. Thankfully, the real Jergens Company does not use child labor. *Despite his name, Jergins is not German, but Swedish (like Link). *Apart from Link's younger self, Link and Jergins are the only party members who can equip Tunics. *Jergins is really weird. **He uses children to manufacture his products. Despite this, he actually treats his workers well, giving them housing and a decent wage. **He loves to use his products on himself. At its worst, half of the loshun made by the Jergins Company went towards the founder himself. **A bottle of loshun from Jergins includes his sweat, titanium dioxide, and Perrier water, to name a few ingredients. **He shows Link the beauty of "Dicksicles on Ice", which involves rubbing loshun on himself, wearing a chef's hat, and cutting down the size of his Rubber Underpants. We are not making this up. **He loves to say the phrase "I'm such a happy boy!" when his loshun splashes all over people.